A Mommy-Daughter Date!

It’s been a long time we haven’t date together. Yes!! A mommy-daughter date! Why should we always put emphasis on father-daughter relationship/date? A quality time from mommy is also necessary for a little princess.

I still remember the day when she came in our life; I was only 18.5 years old then. Ha ha ha ha, it’s funny right? An adolescent girl giving birth a child!! Anyways, however the situation is, being a mother is obviously exciting because of the newness of the experience, it is the time we start to feel that yes it is possible to love someone so much and so unconditionally!

Usually I don’t get chance to do enough for my princess. But now I have decided, whatever the situation is, I will try to give her the best of her life! She is so introvert, and doesn’t have many friends. In school she is quite and respectful. She always stays inside and never goes to play outside. She is growing up with a talent of writing stories and painting (Someday I will share her work in my blog too). But I fear if she thinks herself alone. I want the world to give her everything and offer her all the opportunities that will get her excited about life; I want her to have dreams and to go for it. I promise I will never stop her for whatever she wants to be in her life.

I was thinking to write a letter to my daughter. A big letter! Though I’ve started already, I don’t want to forget even a little things or activities of my daughter that made me laugh or emotional, I want to retain her childhood, her adolescence, her womanhood in my diaries so that I can gift that diary to her wedding day. OMG! Already I’m so excited imagining how surprised will she be!!

Anyways, last Friday was a day of perfect mommy-daughter date. We both went for a shoe shopping. Then I took her to a hair spa, she loved the experience immensely.  We had a brisk walk down to coppers to fulfill her request for pastry! Then we went for a rickshaw ride to home! Isn’t it amazing of having a daughter to whom you can talk, eat, and share experiences and she listens to you so attentively!! We both loved the day!

 At the spa..

Inside Myself

Inside myself there is another me. Sounds little wired, right? But it’s true. Sometimes I feel like the real myself is trapped inside me.  Most of the time I can’t be just myself, I feel like there are some barrier keeping me away from the rest of the world. My real soul is buried somewhere else! I am walking, I’m eating, I’m talking, I’m doing job but somehow I sense It doesn’t represent the true me. With my friends I act rather quiet and calm; I never talk to others about my feelings or show them. Not even with my friends or family. With strangers I became totally mute or respond with very few words and become like a statue or a robot. I cannot show my true being when I am with others and they think that I am a stupid when I’m not. My whole world is inside me. Nobody can see it looking at me.

I have another strange habit. I continuously talk with myself, more or less all of us do this with ourselves, but mine is exceptionally different from others. When I was little I had a pretty huge imagination! And I believed that all the things in our home for example furniture’s, books, trees were alive. So I would talked to them for hours explaining what I’m doing, what I want to do, what is my dreams and desires or how was I feeling etc. I had some imaginary friends. There was big mango tree besides our pond; in my childhood that tree was my best friend. I used to talk out loud with the tree when I felt down or alone. My mom, my brothers and relatives used to catch me up often doing this.  I have never heard any voices answering back nor did I have any hallucination regarding this. I just constantly feel the need to express the true me or explain my motives or actions to myself and that is why I literally have conversation with myself and my imaginary friends. Sometimes I slip out doing it publicly, people might think I’m a crazy but I can’t stop doing it. Until I explain my activities to myself or share my feeling to me I feel like I am going to die. Talking to myself gives me a feeling of peace.

I don’t know why I do this, the reason may be anything, maybe I ‘m not so close to my family or I don’t feel ease to share my feelings with them. I have very few friends, maybe they just don’t have the time or they are never gonna understand the way I want them to. But that’s nobody’s fault. That is how people are. Different!  And again I feel myself coming back to me. Because I can listen to myself for hours without a hint of fatigue!

Happiness Flying Around Us

Sometimes a small thing can makes us feel awesome. It might be a good morning message from a buddy or a flavorful cup of masala tea or a favorite song or whatever it is. We just need those eyes to find the little things in everyday life that makes us happy. These things are flying around us; we just need to catch them up. Who would have thought that reading the posts of old blog or diary or listening to an extremely sad song can even make us feel happier! I’m always in search of these small things. The smell of an old book, smell of wet soil, rain in the midnight, exultation of the young boys or the reflection of moonlight came out through  the vent of my balcony makes me getting lost in an unknown world.  The world of unlimited abysm!

In this mechanical life we are to do a lot of things, there are a lot of ultimately meaningless this and that in our life, a lot of task to accomplish, the assignments to finish, the deadlines to meet and bla bla. It’s not a surprise if we caught with disappointment, depression or unhappiness while doing these pointless works. Even I’m not always a happy woman, sometimes actually most of the time I feel down and drained. But what I do for myself is not to wait for big things to happen in life to make me happy;I don't wait for peter pan to come with his magic stick, rather I try to find happiness in small things. 

I don't have any friends, Really?

Just few days before, It was friendship day. Everyone was wishing their friends on Facebook, they were busy sharing their old pictures and memories with their school and college friends. I got some wish too, from my colleagues (though I don't know if they really consider me as their friend or not!). Usually I use Facebook for time pass. When I am free or I am upset I open up my Facebook and see the sweet smiling pictures of my near and dear ones. It makes me feel happy.
But this time it didn't feel like that. This time I first noticed I don't have any best friends!It's strange but true.
There was a time that I had what I thought friends,but as it turns out I was just a friend of convenience. It really feels awful to be treated that way for so long. I felt I was always been caring, good, honest and sacrificing towards others. But still no one has ever been reciprocated or even been close to me.
Unfortunately I have never had the opportunity to be close with my family. My childhood was so awful and scary. I just want to forgot the memories of my childhood. Even in school only one or two were close to mine. Both got married soon after finishing school. They are happily living with their husbands and don't bother to be on face book or to connect with old friends.
I think this loneliness making me anti social. I have co-workers, acquaintances, relatives and my husbands who is mostly there for me. But the times when we fight with each other, I find myself with no one to turn to.
I really miss the closeness with someone whom I can share everything, the good and bad things too, whom I can go with a lunch date or to a movie night, whom I can talk hours about books, cinemas, men, sex, city life, my mistakes, my fear and all those stuffs, who will never be bored around me.  I really need a friend who listens to me, gives me advice, cheer me up when I am down and stands besides me when I need.

It's so hard standing all alone among the crowd.