My Baby Girl!

Usually I wake up little late in Ramadan. Today was a bit different. Last night I couldn't sleep even for an hour. Extreme headache, tensions about lot of deadlines in office were the reason may be. After sehri I tried to sleep for a while, but failed. I was lying on my bed thinking thousand of things. Suddenly I found myself packed in both sided with the warn touches of my daughter . 

Oh my God! how cute she was looking that time!!!

Innocent sleeping face. Looked like a piece of heaven in front of me.  A feeling of pride overwhelmed me with tears. 

I still remember the moment I became mother for the first time, the moment I hold my daughter first. Her tiny fingers, her shiny eyes.... 

The world is a beautiful place but often a few things can make it seem harsh. It's been long 8 years since her birth. I started out motherhood with a very idealistic and naive view of what I would do for my daughter. I never thought she would ever face discrimination from her very own family. I have had enough of feeling upset and distressed every time I hear my mother-in-law and other relatives talking nonsense about my daughter. They never fails to find out a fault in my daughter. I wonder why can't they love my daughter as they loves my son??!! Only because she is a girl?? Oh come on. We are living in 21st century!

I can teach my daughter to be proud in-spite of the difficulties around her. And I believe she can and hopefully will choose to define herself by what is inside her. The first thing i will do for her is to set her free from the idea that she should always look pretty and cute. Prettiness is not the fundamental rights nor it is essential to develop my daughter's character. She is so awesome as she is now! 

13.07.15

I'm vulnerable.
I'm vulnerable of being lonely.
I'm vulnerable of being hurt.
I'm vulnerable of not being loved by my closed ones.

I am scared, because I fall too easily and give up so fast. I don't want to try. I don't want to try to make my days better, better from yesterday, better from last year. I don't want to compete to grab attention. I just want to be looked at and be seen as more than just someone. Some people never understand how much they make an impact in my life.  I’ve tempted to follow some people’s advice and paths to better happiness but it doesn’t seem to work on me. Meet new people, get to know them and try to connect with them in some way. But it didn’t feel right, it was like trying to force myself to forget by doing all of this through someone.

I’ve told myself this so many times that I should be alone, better myself in some way, and just let time offer the unexpected. I want to go back and fix things, try to make things better but it’s just better if I let time do its own part.

12.07.15

After all these years when I turn back  I found lots of people around me, who still haven't changed at all. The whole idea of not knowing what they want and the same intentions they had with me in the past, it makes me realize that I will never be more than a option. Someone who is just there for me are only  when they need me. It's like there is someone I feel connected with and at the same time I sense of being an option to him/her. Trust and love are the things I always kept sacred and cherished the most, but regarding this two matter I always end up of being hurt and always taken advantage of. I was caught in it all from the times of being alone, craving nothing but love and hope that I could find someone who could fill the sense of void and space. I wanted connection, things that I found golden and finding the spark the start it all. I was desperate to get lost again into someone’s mind in hopes I could find that sense of belonging again. belonging again