Diseases, Dilemmas and Life

How strangely a disease or illness can change people’s lives! Not only has the person who is suffering but diseases has also an impact on the people who are related to him/her! Recently one of my friends mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wonder how they are dealing with it! How they felt when they first knew about it! My father is also suffering from liver diseases, I know how it feels when we see our dear ones in pain!

My another friends father was suffering from kidney diseases. She was my university friend and also lived in my neighborhood areas. So once in a month I used to go to see her father. I was surprised to see how different types of complicacy, dilemma and problems arise among the family members with that growing disease. For a middle class family it’s difficult to bear the cost of continuous dialysis, medicines and other things. But is that only money that matters???

No obviously!

My friend was married with two children. Her husband was a government service holder posted to Bogra. Her mother died years back, so she had no way but to look after her father like taking him to hospital, giving medicines at the right time, cooking for the family (father and a younger brother) and doing other household work  leaving her children with her in laws in Rajshahi. I saw her father was suffering for more than one year. She had to leave her masters in the middle of the study! One day she was so exhausted, when I met her she started crying and screaming!

-Oh Neela, I hate my life, I hate my father, why is not he going to die? He made my life so miserable!

-What are you talking, are you crazy?? Don’t you love your family?

-No I don’t . Look at my brother! He is just useless, he doesn’t take any responsibility of Baba, and sometimes I feel like to kill him!

- Stop it! You’ve gone mad, don’t you want your father to be well again?

- Yes, I’ve gone mad. I don’t want him to be well, coz I know he will not. Doctor said to me. Look at me, I haven’t seen my children for last three months. I haven’t spent a romantic moment with my husband for almost one year! What about my life? I am here, my husband is in Bogra, and my childrens are in Rajshahi! Is this you call a life?

-Why don’t you keep your children with you?

- I can’t , because they are my extra responsibility. I can’t handle all this things at a time, you know my husband and in laws are complaining that I only think about my father’s family not about them, now the financial crisis. I can’t bear this anymore. If Baba wasn’t ill my life would go so smooth! I don’t care if he dies now..

I was trying to comfort her. After few minutes she stopped crying for a while and started crying again more loudly this time… ‘Oh my God! What is I’m saying. I am very bad, Allah will never forgive me. How could I say such things about my own father, how much he loved me and now look at me! I am so selfish, I became tired of taking care of him for only one year! Give me a slap Neela!’

It’s okay dear, after all we are human being!

Yes, now I understand how she felt that time. For last one month only I know from what I’m going through. Lots of tensions about my father, tensions of money (as my relatives were suggesting me to take him to India I was worried, if anything bad happens, how will I manage the money, money for treatment, money for my brothers study and all these things), tensions of office everything made me so exhausted. Last fifteen days I slept only couple of hours, I couldn’t concentrate on my childrens, my family, and my work or even on my personal life! These extra stress can bump with negative feelings or reactions!

 Now I realize this is what happened to my friend!

No one wants to ignore parental needs, but unless there are financial resources well beyond what most families can dream about, how to meet those needs is a problem with no easy solution. For the children, it can mean bringing their parents into their homes and, among other things, dealing with a spouse’s grumblings about the intrusion in their live is not easy to deal with.

But I am extremely happy that nothing bad happened to my father, and I am super blessed that I got such an amazing and supportive husband who helped me all way through!

Music and Life

Music seems to be a powerful memory cue for some people especially for me. Songs has a power to bring previous memories and events in mind. Some books have this power too. For me every old song is linked with a specific memory or a person of my life. Music and some books can induce nostalgia more quickly and easily. Music is an important part of my life. No no, I’m not a singer; I don’t know ‘sa re ga ma pa’ even (I’m a good bathroom singer though!! He he he). But still without melodies my life would be totally empty. I love listening music while on my way to office or office to home, or in midnight when everyone is deep asleep. Listening to different melodies or tunes helps me de-stress and relax. Oh yes, music also motivates me in my trying times.

Sometimes in life people grieve. People feel all kinds of emotions. Music is almost an emotion in itself. In my eyes music can be an escape for a minute or two. It can be for however long you desire. Music has been called a way of life for certain human beings. Somehow, it has made such a large influence on the world. I can think of many instances where music has impacted someone’s life in some significant way in fact I’m also an example of it.. It may be something such as a big decision, or even a small predicament. Musicians have the advantage of touching people with their lyrics or music; a gift some people will never be able to give as well, but most people have the chance to listen to the feeling and conviction put into musician’s work. Some of us have musical talent and others don’t, but those who do can share their emotions through an expression, so to speak. The way music affects our everyday lives can be almost incomprehensible at times. 

Music can be a way to deliver messages, a poetic medium, a fine art, or nothing more than a source of
entertainment. No matter what it is used for, music is the perfect art and our lives would be that much less complete without it that life as we know it would not at all be the same without music.

For now, here are some soothing and of course my favorite music...happy listening!!!

My Journey with Melancholy

Someone said true that ‘the saddest people are the people who work so hard to make everyone else happy first’. It’s absolutely true for me; I hate to see other people in pain, because I know how it feels when you are in pain. Throughout my life I worked so hard to make other people happy that I let my own happiness to slip out from the box. May be it’s the reason for what I’m suffering today!

I didn’t have a great childhood, when I look back I realize that there has always been a sense of melancholy that I have carried with me. I have a few good memories, it is those I choose to think about to fight back the bouts of depression that attacks me now and then. For me depression is a funny little fancy disease! I began my struggle with it way back in my childhood, but it wasn’t until my early twenties that it became clear to me that something is very wrong!  I said it funny because in the deep inside I am screaming loudly while outside I act with a smile in face and tell everyone that I’m fine. I am worried that I would be bothering someone if I tell them what’s going on my mind or what I’m feeling inside. A wired feeling of nothingness bursts me out all the time.

It was a roller coaster ride, from feeling infatuated, to feeling selfish, and end up everything with a feeling of sadness. This sense of stress, depression and sadness brings me down and would always bring me to the negative thoughts. I’m starting to feel there is something that’s been missing in my life every day. But still life goes on….

"I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain—and back in rain.
I have out walked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night"

                                     ~~~Robert Frost

Success and Life

Yes! At the end of the day, what really matters is success! When you are successful people will start to count you as a human being. If you are not, mind it, you are gone! You are gone in every aspects of life.

Am I Successful or not? Why always our society decides it for ourselves? Success is not a simple matter; it cannot be determined merely by the amount of money and material possessions you have. The meaning of success goes far deeper. If I’m happy with a simple life, If my near and dear ones loves me unconditionally, If I have some trustworthy friends in my life, If I have inner peace and mental control over me, I guess it’s the real success.  Every time money or a good job is not the only fact!

I have gone through a lot of ups and downs in my life. My experiences taught me many lessons. One particularly bad fall out with my then-best-friend taught me not to share my personal life with others; luckily I didn’t share so many things , so nothing bad came out of it but I've learned that people's behavior cannot be controlled and there could be a 5-minute interval between best friends and worst enemies. 

It’s become ironic with the things that were said to keep me chained to the ground. I was told that I would never be treated like that ever again, but as time progressed, everything became the total opposite. Given with enough time, things become the total opposite and it’s hard to see away from that. I’ve become so damaged, cautious and over protective with my own heart, that it’s hard to embrace what people’s truths.

A Mommy-Daughter Date!

It’s been a long time we haven’t date together. Yes!! A mommy-daughter date! Why should we always put emphasis on father-daughter relationship/date? A quality time from mommy is also necessary for a little princess.

I still remember the day when she came in our life; I was only 18.5 years old then. Ha ha ha ha, it’s funny right? An adolescent girl giving birth a child!! Anyways, however the situation is, being a mother is obviously exciting because of the newness of the experience, it is the time we start to feel that yes it is possible to love someone so much and so unconditionally!

Usually I don’t get chance to do enough for my princess. But now I have decided, whatever the situation is, I will try to give her the best of her life! She is so introvert, and doesn’t have many friends. In school she is quite and respectful. She always stays inside and never goes to play outside. She is growing up with a talent of writing stories and painting (Someday I will share her work in my blog too). But I fear if she thinks herself alone. I want the world to give her everything and offer her all the opportunities that will get her excited about life; I want her to have dreams and to go for it. I promise I will never stop her for whatever she wants to be in her life.

I was thinking to write a letter to my daughter. A big letter! Though I’ve started already, I don’t want to forget even a little things or activities of my daughter that made me laugh or emotional, I want to retain her childhood, her adolescence, her womanhood in my diaries so that I can gift that diary to her wedding day. OMG! Already I’m so excited imagining how surprised will she be!!

Anyways, last Friday was a day of perfect mommy-daughter date. We both went for a shoe shopping. Then I took her to a hair spa, she loved the experience immensely.  We had a brisk walk down to coppers to fulfill her request for pastry! Then we went for a rickshaw ride to home! Isn’t it amazing of having a daughter to whom you can talk, eat, and share experiences and she listens to you so attentively!! We both loved the day!

 At the spa..

Inside Myself

Inside myself there is another me. Sounds little wired, right? But it’s true. Sometimes I feel like the real myself is trapped inside me.  Most of the time I can’t be just myself, I feel like there are some barrier keeping me away from the rest of the world. My real soul is buried somewhere else! I am walking, I’m eating, I’m talking, I’m doing job but somehow I sense It doesn’t represent the true me. With my friends I act rather quiet and calm; I never talk to others about my feelings or show them. Not even with my friends or family. With strangers I became totally mute or respond with very few words and become like a statue or a robot. I cannot show my true being when I am with others and they think that I am a stupid when I’m not. My whole world is inside me. Nobody can see it looking at me.

I have another strange habit. I continuously talk with myself, more or less all of us do this with ourselves, but mine is exceptionally different from others. When I was little I had a pretty huge imagination! And I believed that all the things in our home for example furniture’s, books, trees were alive. So I would talked to them for hours explaining what I’m doing, what I want to do, what is my dreams and desires or how was I feeling etc. I had some imaginary friends. There was big mango tree besides our pond; in my childhood that tree was my best friend. I used to talk out loud with the tree when I felt down or alone. My mom, my brothers and relatives used to catch me up often doing this.  I have never heard any voices answering back nor did I have any hallucination regarding this. I just constantly feel the need to express the true me or explain my motives or actions to myself and that is why I literally have conversation with myself and my imaginary friends. Sometimes I slip out doing it publicly, people might think I’m a crazy but I can’t stop doing it. Until I explain my activities to myself or share my feeling to me I feel like I am going to die. Talking to myself gives me a feeling of peace.

I don’t know why I do this, the reason may be anything, maybe I ‘m not so close to my family or I don’t feel ease to share my feelings with them. I have very few friends, maybe they just don’t have the time or they are never gonna understand the way I want them to. But that’s nobody’s fault. That is how people are. Different!  And again I feel myself coming back to me. Because I can listen to myself for hours without a hint of fatigue!

Happiness Flying Around Us

Sometimes a small thing can makes us feel awesome. It might be a good morning message from a buddy or a flavorful cup of masala tea or a favorite song or whatever it is. We just need those eyes to find the little things in everyday life that makes us happy. These things are flying around us; we just need to catch them up. Who would have thought that reading the posts of old blog or diary or listening to an extremely sad song can even make us feel happier! I’m always in search of these small things. The smell of an old book, smell of wet soil, rain in the midnight, exultation of the young boys or the reflection of moonlight came out through  the vent of my balcony makes me getting lost in an unknown world.  The world of unlimited abysm!

In this mechanical life we are to do a lot of things, there are a lot of ultimately meaningless this and that in our life, a lot of task to accomplish, the assignments to finish, the deadlines to meet and bla bla. It’s not a surprise if we caught with disappointment, depression or unhappiness while doing these pointless works. Even I’m not always a happy woman, sometimes actually most of the time I feel down and drained. But what I do for myself is not to wait for big things to happen in life to make me happy;I don't wait for peter pan to come with his magic stick, rather I try to find happiness in small things. 

I don't have any friends, Really?

Just few days before, It was friendship day. Everyone was wishing their friends on Facebook, they were busy sharing their old pictures and memories with their school and college friends. I got some wish too, from my colleagues (though I don't know if they really consider me as their friend or not!). Usually I use Facebook for time pass. When I am free or I am upset I open up my Facebook and see the sweet smiling pictures of my near and dear ones. It makes me feel happy.
But this time it didn't feel like that. This time I first noticed I don't have any best friends!It's strange but true.
There was a time that I had what I thought friends,but as it turns out I was just a friend of convenience. It really feels awful to be treated that way for so long. I felt I was always been caring, good, honest and sacrificing towards others. But still no one has ever been reciprocated or even been close to me.
Unfortunately I have never had the opportunity to be close with my family. My childhood was so awful and scary. I just want to forgot the memories of my childhood. Even in school only one or two were close to mine. Both got married soon after finishing school. They are happily living with their husbands and don't bother to be on face book or to connect with old friends.
I think this loneliness making me anti social. I have co-workers, acquaintances, relatives and my husbands who is mostly there for me. But the times when we fight with each other, I find myself with no one to turn to.
I really miss the closeness with someone whom I can share everything, the good and bad things too, whom I can go with a lunch date or to a movie night, whom I can talk hours about books, cinemas, men, sex, city life, my mistakes, my fear and all those stuffs, who will never be bored around me.  I really need a friend who listens to me, gives me advice, cheer me up when I am down and stands besides me when I need.

It's so hard standing all alone among the crowd.

My Baby Girl!

Usually I wake up little late in Ramadan. Today was a bit different. Last night I couldn't sleep even for an hour. Extreme headache, tensions about lot of deadlines in office were the reason may be. After sehri I tried to sleep for a while, but failed. I was lying on my bed thinking thousand of things. Suddenly I found myself packed in both sided with the warn touches of my daughter . 

Oh my God! how cute she was looking that time!!!

Innocent sleeping face. Looked like a piece of heaven in front of me.  A feeling of pride overwhelmed me with tears. 

I still remember the moment I became mother for the first time, the moment I hold my daughter first. Her tiny fingers, her shiny eyes.... 

The world is a beautiful place but often a few things can make it seem harsh. It's been long 8 years since her birth. I started out motherhood with a very idealistic and naive view of what I would do for my daughter. I never thought she would ever face discrimination from her very own family. I have had enough of feeling upset and distressed every time I hear my mother-in-law and other relatives talking nonsense about my daughter. They never fails to find out a fault in my daughter. I wonder why can't they love my daughter as they loves my son??!! Only because she is a girl?? Oh come on. We are living in 21st century!

I can teach my daughter to be proud in-spite of the difficulties around her. And I believe she can and hopefully will choose to define herself by what is inside her. The first thing i will do for her is to set her free from the idea that she should always look pretty and cute. Prettiness is not the fundamental rights nor it is essential to develop my daughter's character. She is so awesome as she is now! 

13.07.15

I'm vulnerable.
I'm vulnerable of being lonely.
I'm vulnerable of being hurt.
I'm vulnerable of not being loved by my closed ones.

I am scared, because I fall too easily and give up so fast. I don't want to try. I don't want to try to make my days better, better from yesterday, better from last year. I don't want to compete to grab attention. I just want to be looked at and be seen as more than just someone. Some people never understand how much they make an impact in my life.  I’ve tempted to follow some people’s advice and paths to better happiness but it doesn’t seem to work on me. Meet new people, get to know them and try to connect with them in some way. But it didn’t feel right, it was like trying to force myself to forget by doing all of this through someone.

I’ve told myself this so many times that I should be alone, better myself in some way, and just let time offer the unexpected. I want to go back and fix things, try to make things better but it’s just better if I let time do its own part.

12.07.15

After all these years when I turn back  I found lots of people around me, who still haven't changed at all. The whole idea of not knowing what they want and the same intentions they had with me in the past, it makes me realize that I will never be more than a option. Someone who is just there for me are only  when they need me. It's like there is someone I feel connected with and at the same time I sense of being an option to him/her. Trust and love are the things I always kept sacred and cherished the most, but regarding this two matter I always end up of being hurt and always taken advantage of. I was caught in it all from the times of being alone, craving nothing but love and hope that I could find someone who could fill the sense of void and space. I wanted connection, things that I found golden and finding the spark the start it all. I was desperate to get lost again into someone’s mind in hopes I could find that sense of belonging again. belonging again