My New Year Resolution!

The year 2015 has been one of the most successful years of my life. The number of things I wished but I didn’t get is actually very few. I received a lot of love and support from my friends and family throughout the year which I can’t express in words. I found some important success and opportunities in my personal and professional life as well. Most importantly my son ‘Ishaan’ came to the world this year. So of course the year 2015 remained one of the luckiest years for me!!

I don’t know is it a tradition or not! Every year most of the people came up with a New Year resolution, but I never thought of having such list. Because in all those years of losing and quitting, I never stopped to think about what I might want to gain. I spend a lot time to subdue my inner voices, a lot of time not trusting on myself. I always felt immense guilt even doing nothing; always choose the path of least resistance to avoid conflict. But now I know what the fact is! Actually to please everyone, nothing is ever sufficient. During the year 2015 I have learned, realized and experienced a lot of things. Now I know the importance of family and health, there are lots of things I can do for them and for myself as well.  

Start of New Year is the perfect time to turn a new page in life. So here I came up with a list of things I want to do in this year. As it is 2016, I have fixed 16 targets for me.

1.   My first target is to develop my spiritual and religious life. I will try (actually not try, must!) to  read five times prayer every day, and read Quran at least once in a week. I want to increase my faith to Allah, because it is the backbone of everything we do and everything we are.
2.  Read at least 100 books this year, because reading opens up our mind and strengthen us as nothing else can. Books are a uniquely portable magic!
3.  Giving as much as possible time to my children’s and my family. Because at the end of the day they are the most precious thing I have!
4.   Loose 10 kg of weight. Not for beauty perspective but as a health concern I should do this.
5. Will try to forgive everyone who ever did any harm to me or my family.
6.  Will always think twice before I speak. Just don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
7.  I will watch out my anger. Extreme anger can lead to vengeance.
8.  Whenever I make a plan, I will try to stick on this.
9.  Overcoming depression and trusting on myself.
10.  Another most important thing I want to do is to ‘Stop Judging People’. Rather spending time worrying about others, I will spend more time improving myself.
11. Will save some money for future rather spending everything. It is really important because we never know when crisis may come!
12. Will try to eat healthy as much as possible.
13. Spend less time in social networking sites, rather will try to improve social/personal relationship with relatives and neighbors.
14.  Getting out of any kind of debt (not only mine, even my husband’s too), because any kind of debt either it is money or something else can be a huge pressure on our back.
15.  Will try to stop getting panic so easily, rather I will try to be organized so that everything remains under control.
16. Last but not the least I will try to spread love and smile everywhere every time!!

That’s All, Happy New Year!!!! Be happy Always (Smile)!

Diseases, Dilemmas and Life

How strangely a disease or illness can change people’s lives! Not only has the person who is suffering but diseases has also an impact on the people who are related to him/her! Recently one of my friends mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wonder how they are dealing with it! How they felt when they first knew about it! My father is also suffering from liver diseases, I know how it feels when we see our dear ones in pain!

My another friends father was suffering from kidney diseases. She was my university friend and also lived in my neighborhood areas. So once in a month I used to go to see her father. I was surprised to see how different types of complicacy, dilemma and problems arise among the family members with that growing disease. For a middle class family it’s difficult to bear the cost of continuous dialysis, medicines and other things. But is that only money that matters???

No obviously!

My friend was married with two children. Her husband was a government service holder posted to Bogra. Her mother died years back, so she had no way but to look after her father like taking him to hospital, giving medicines at the right time, cooking for the family (father and a younger brother) and doing other household work  leaving her children with her in laws in Rajshahi. I saw her father was suffering for more than one year. She had to leave her masters in the middle of the study! One day she was so exhausted, when I met her she started crying and screaming!

-Oh Neela, I hate my life, I hate my father, why is not he going to die? He made my life so miserable!

-What are you talking, are you crazy?? Don’t you love your family?

-No I don’t . Look at my brother! He is just useless, he doesn’t take any responsibility of Baba, and sometimes I feel like to kill him!

- Stop it! You’ve gone mad, don’t you want your father to be well again?

- Yes, I’ve gone mad. I don’t want him to be well, coz I know he will not. Doctor said to me. Look at me, I haven’t seen my children for last three months. I haven’t spent a romantic moment with my husband for almost one year! What about my life? I am here, my husband is in Bogra, and my childrens are in Rajshahi! Is this you call a life?

-Why don’t you keep your children with you?

- I can’t , because they are my extra responsibility. I can’t handle all this things at a time, you know my husband and in laws are complaining that I only think about my father’s family not about them, now the financial crisis. I can’t bear this anymore. If Baba wasn’t ill my life would go so smooth! I don’t care if he dies now..

I was trying to comfort her. After few minutes she stopped crying for a while and started crying again more loudly this time… ‘Oh my God! What is I’m saying. I am very bad, Allah will never forgive me. How could I say such things about my own father, how much he loved me and now look at me! I am so selfish, I became tired of taking care of him for only one year! Give me a slap Neela!’

It’s okay dear, after all we are human being!

Yes, now I understand how she felt that time. For last one month only I know from what I’m going through. Lots of tensions about my father, tensions of money (as my relatives were suggesting me to take him to India I was worried, if anything bad happens, how will I manage the money, money for treatment, money for my brothers study and all these things), tensions of office everything made me so exhausted. Last fifteen days I slept only couple of hours, I couldn’t concentrate on my childrens, my family, and my work or even on my personal life! These extra stress can bump with negative feelings or reactions!

 Now I realize this is what happened to my friend!

No one wants to ignore parental needs, but unless there are financial resources well beyond what most families can dream about, how to meet those needs is a problem with no easy solution. For the children, it can mean bringing their parents into their homes and, among other things, dealing with a spouse’s grumblings about the intrusion in their live is not easy to deal with.

But I am extremely happy that nothing bad happened to my father, and I am super blessed that I got such an amazing and supportive husband who helped me all way through!

Music and Life

Music seems to be a powerful memory cue for some people especially for me. Songs has a power to bring previous memories and events in mind. Some books have this power too. For me every old song is linked with a specific memory or a person of my life. Music and some books can induce nostalgia more quickly and easily. Music is an important part of my life. No no, I’m not a singer; I don’t know ‘sa re ga ma pa’ even (I’m a good bathroom singer though!! He he he). But still without melodies my life would be totally empty. I love listening music while on my way to office or office to home, or in midnight when everyone is deep asleep. Listening to different melodies or tunes helps me de-stress and relax. Oh yes, music also motivates me in my trying times.

Sometimes in life people grieve. People feel all kinds of emotions. Music is almost an emotion in itself. In my eyes music can be an escape for a minute or two. It can be for however long you desire. Music has been called a way of life for certain human beings. Somehow, it has made such a large influence on the world. I can think of many instances where music has impacted someone’s life in some significant way in fact I’m also an example of it.. It may be something such as a big decision, or even a small predicament. Musicians have the advantage of touching people with their lyrics or music; a gift some people will never be able to give as well, but most people have the chance to listen to the feeling and conviction put into musician’s work. Some of us have musical talent and others don’t, but those who do can share their emotions through an expression, so to speak. The way music affects our everyday lives can be almost incomprehensible at times. 

Music can be a way to deliver messages, a poetic medium, a fine art, or nothing more than a source of
entertainment. No matter what it is used for, music is the perfect art and our lives would be that much less complete without it that life as we know it would not at all be the same without music.

For now, here are some soothing and of course my favorite music...happy listening!!!

My Journey with Melancholy

Someone said true that ‘the saddest people are the people who work so hard to make everyone else happy first’. It’s absolutely true for me; I hate to see other people in pain, because I know how it feels when you are in pain. Throughout my life I worked so hard to make other people happy that I let my own happiness to slip out from the box. May be it’s the reason for what I’m suffering today!

I didn’t have a great childhood, when I look back I realize that there has always been a sense of melancholy that I have carried with me. I have a few good memories, it is those I choose to think about to fight back the bouts of depression that attacks me now and then. For me depression is a funny little fancy disease! I began my struggle with it way back in my childhood, but it wasn’t until my early twenties that it became clear to me that something is very wrong!  I said it funny because in the deep inside I am screaming loudly while outside I act with a smile in face and tell everyone that I’m fine. I am worried that I would be bothering someone if I tell them what’s going on my mind or what I’m feeling inside. A wired feeling of nothingness bursts me out all the time.

It was a roller coaster ride, from feeling infatuated, to feeling selfish, and end up everything with a feeling of sadness. This sense of stress, depression and sadness brings me down and would always bring me to the negative thoughts. I’m starting to feel there is something that’s been missing in my life every day. But still life goes on….

"I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain—and back in rain.
I have out walked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night"

                                     ~~~Robert Frost

Success and Life

Yes! At the end of the day, what really matters is success! When you are successful people will start to count you as a human being. If you are not, mind it, you are gone! You are gone in every aspects of life.

Am I Successful or not? Why always our society decides it for ourselves? Success is not a simple matter; it cannot be determined merely by the amount of money and material possessions you have. The meaning of success goes far deeper. If I’m happy with a simple life, If my near and dear ones loves me unconditionally, If I have some trustworthy friends in my life, If I have inner peace and mental control over me, I guess it’s the real success.  Every time money or a good job is not the only fact!

I have gone through a lot of ups and downs in my life. My experiences taught me many lessons. One particularly bad fall out with my then-best-friend taught me not to share my personal life with others; luckily I didn’t share so many things , so nothing bad came out of it but I've learned that people's behavior cannot be controlled and there could be a 5-minute interval between best friends and worst enemies. 

It’s become ironic with the things that were said to keep me chained to the ground. I was told that I would never be treated like that ever again, but as time progressed, everything became the total opposite. Given with enough time, things become the total opposite and it’s hard to see away from that. I’ve become so damaged, cautious and over protective with my own heart, that it’s hard to embrace what people’s truths.